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Wednesday, February 21, 2007
today has probably been the most emo day of my life in the past 15yrs of my life.i didn't sleep last night, trying to complete math. in the end i didn't complete it anyway. i think i was brain dead 90% of the time in class today. mrtan had to constantly call me to snap me out of the daze i think i was in. basically didnt listen at all to wulaoshi. so now i have no idea what she even said at all. didn't listen during IH either. mind/brain was just blank. didn't listen during bio too. i think i'm so dead. mslee started on a new topic i think. langarts was slack. mrstan talked for like 45min i think. naturally i wasnt listening to her. after she finished she left us to do research analysis or something. naturally most of the class started playing. then i think i lost it. i just started drawing circles on a piece of foolscap paper. just kept drawing circles till the paper tore. then i started crying while drawing circles on the torn paper anyway. dont ask me why. i dont know. then i took caroline's penknife-like thing and wanted to cut myself. as i said, don't ask me why. thankfully nicole stopped me. thanks. then i started crying again. luckily i think not many people saw me. then i went back to drawing circles on the same paper. thankfully the lesson ended there or i think i'd have gone crazy. really didnt feel like going for lunch prac but i went anyway. we did the actions for como. sorry that i was so unenthu and dead. really wasnt in the mood.chinese, as usual didnt listen to wulaoshi. chem. i failed chem test too. that makes 5 out of 6 tests failed. well done jem, well done.after sch went back with chou and ash. sometimes its good to be with other people. then i have to put on a relatively happy front. then i feel better after that. met wenyi. and i rather not talk about the stuff that happened after that. not related to wenyi, btw.it did hurt to see you.i guess it's all my fault, not cherishing something when it still is thereonly missing it when it's been given to someone else.doesnt matter, can't be helped anymore.what's done's done.hope you will be happy with her.and maybe one day i'll learn not to take things for granted.at home, as usual, i can't show what i really feel. just that happy and mildly content front. it's okay. i dont mind my parents and everyone else just seeing me as that. pain does relieve stress and heartache. speaking of which i've been having weird and unexplainable chest pains and headaches and giddy spells lately. don't worry i wont attempt to cut myself again. i hope. scratches from a ruler is enough. temporary pain. and it doesnt leave marks. and i wont die from it.thanks to all that asked if i was okay today. thank you for caring. yes thank you i'm fine now. i'm not suicidal. yet.
lost myself at 8:11 PM