there are some things i really want to say.really want to scream out loud to get it out of me.just want to let go of.but i just cant express myself.i mean like...argh...it's really irritating when like you wanna say something but you cant put it into words.
my academic life,choir life and even spiritual life is all disappearing down the drain.like i know my studies have never been one of the best,but at least i used to pass everything.okay,maybe i'm working harder this year and stuff,but the results dont show.you know how frustrating it is when you mug so hard the day before a test,then when the test paper is lying in front of you your mind suddenly goes blank.like that's what happened to me for my maths test.i was really pissed and disappointed with myself.it always seems that the harder i work,the worse my results get.dont ask me why.i myself dont know.then like for choir.i'm really like trying my best.but i'm still like one of the worst.like at home i train like crazythen when i go for practices the sound just doesnt come out.all the sucky sound comes out and everything that i'm not supposed to do i do and everything i'm not supposed to i dont.it's really sucky standing there with the choir knowing that i'm not up to standard.maybe the seniors and the rest of them dont know cos like everyone else blasts so my voice gets drowned out or something like that.i dunno.but i know that my voice seriously sucks.it's not only once or something.it's always.all the time.i thought it would be better this year or something.i dunno why.some weird notion.so last year i managed to convince myself that it was actually not all that bad.then this year it's the same.am i supposed to convince myself that it wld be better next year?i dunno.i'm confused.
then my spiritual life.i dunno what's happened to it.it's like totally sad la.sucky (okay i know this isnt the nicest word to use but yar.that's how i feel)like during service and all i find it so hard to stay awake and concentrate.my mind keeps wondering off.and i just cant get anything out of the sermons.not that they're lousy or anth,there're so many good points,and i believe most people managed to reap many points from the sermons.it's just me.it's me.my spiritual life's just starved.starved of gospel food.maybe God's trying to tell me that i'm focusing in the wrong areas.like singing and all.maybe i shouldnt spend so much time and effort in these things.and spend more time getting closer to God.that means not slacking off in my qt.and seeking Him when in doubt.i find it so hard to pray.i guess it's cos i'm spiritually wrong.i gotta try.i gotta try to put Him first.look to Him first.not the world.
you know what?i feel like a hypocrite.just now i was writing comforting words to a friend.but then now i just cant apply them to myself.and we know that all things work together for good to them that love God,to them who are the called according to His purpose.(rom8:28)this is by far the most comforting verse i've come across.it offered me much comfort before in times of trial.but now,a small crease in my life,and i feel like giving up.it's just wrong.i know i should take comfort in His word.all those blessed promises.but...well...i gotta try...
thanks to all those great friends out there who have encouraged me in one way or another,you people have really been a blessing in my life.gifts from God,i suppose(: yeah just wanna let you know that i really appreciate you guys.and yar,especially those who are christians.wld really appreciate if you wld help me along in my christian race.especially now when the road seems hard and rocky.i know you would right?(: thanks esp to ash,nat,penny,sarah p who have been helping me esp spiritually in little ways althought perhaps you didnt know it,but you ppl have really made a great impact in my life.perhaps...you people could pull me up.walk through this period of my life with me...i would really appreciate it.seriously.
*sighs*